Saturday, December 15, 2007

Hail Brittania

60 years ago a man in Germany decided to grow a moustache!!! Much to his supreme dipleasure however, he realized that he had a rather folically challenged upper lip,and so it was that the good fuehrer was rudely awakened from his grand dreams of a big luxuriant growth to rival a small tropical rainforest, by the rather unwarranted appearance of a small fungal something just below his nose, which, to his enormous chagrin made him resemble Charlie Chaplin to a rather uncanny degree!!!!!Understandably chuffed, he decided to blame it on the Jews and invaded Poland. When the British asked, him ,politely of course to stop, he, very matter-of-factly, told them to go to hell. Of course the people with the stiff upper lips would not tolerate such insolence from someone who made a mockery of upper lips and so they declared war. Of course as the more acute of readers would have guessed by now, it was the World War, the second one infact.

Here, though I must take a minute of your valuable time to point out that the previous world war was led by men with moustaches resembling the prairies and to arrive at the rather paradoxical conclusion that the previous paragraph makes no sense at all....facial hair failure, or lack of it cannot be a cause of war. That however is not the point. The point is Bwana Hitler gave the British a pretty sound thrashing, thwarted only by the arrival of those pesky yanks from across the Atlantic!!

!No wait,thats not the point either!
The point is that Indians took notice.” Hang on, we said,” Lets give the British a pretty sound thrashing too”. Which we then proceeded to spectacularly fail to do. The war weary British ,hewever,were by them tired of trying to convince us and the world at large that Britannia was the "in " thing and so decided to pack up and leave !!!So it was that 15ht August 1947, Indians awoke to find that an Indian had replaced the Queen as our supreme ruler and that it was now solely our responsibility to bungle up our future and we could no longer blame a faceless foreign monarchy!!!!!!

Hang on, that’s not the point either! The point is what would have happened, if we, like the good folk across the seas in Singapore had resisted Independence??

What if, to this very day, India remained a part of the British Empire? How would it have changed our lives? What if our British overlords had never been replaced by Italian ones? Would we be really that much worse off than we already are, or did independence give to us a new lease of life upon which we are truly prospering??

Let’s take a look shall we!!!

To begin with we'd have suffered. We would have been, in no uncertain terms, strangers in our own country, forced to bend to every whim of a small island nation far away. The press would continue to have been heavily censored and revolutionary bombs would have continued to fly. And the communal hatred we witnessed pre -partition would have continued unchecked ,creating utter chaos within the subcontinent.But, and this is a very big but, for how long??
How long would it take before the 20th century caught up with the Raj.How long would it take before the entity we know as political correctness reared its inevitable head? And how long would it take before Britain, wracked by its own guilt, bowed under international pressure and stop treating natives as sub human subjects fit to be slave driven.
Not very long is what I would say.
As the 20th century would roll inexorably on, and intellectualism would rise, Britain would be forced to grant to Indians the rights that had been denied them for the last 250 years. We would still be royal subjects, but also subject health and safety, political correctness, frivolous lawsuits and all the other glamorous if somewhat dubious distinctions of modern westerner society.
And here’s the clincher....not only would we have given every opportunity we asked for, we would have been given more.oh yes. We’d have become the SC/STs of the British Empire, an empire trying desperately to regain its morality and world humanitarian standing.
We'd have reservations in institutions across the Empire, maybe even elsewhere. No longer would someone need CVs the size of large rolls of toilet paper or a bank account rivaling the healthcare budget of small African nations no one has even heard of, to get into a venerable and esteemed institution. A slip of paper, say a passport maybe, proving that you’re one of the downtrodden races, and voila..... youre in Oxford, knocking knees with the best eggheads Bloomsbury has to offer!!!!!
We'd never have been partitioned,and,in the absence of cross border terrorism(there would have been no borders, remember), return trips from Kashmir would no longer have to be undertaken at public expense in a black body bag in the colour of your choice.
It’d have been Britain’s responsibility to get rid of those pesky Chinese when the came sniffing around our borders, saving much needed defense currency that could be pumped into something else, say welfare!!!!
And with the RAF taking care of our air force, we’d no longer be crashing Mig 21s into each other, we’d be crashing top of the line Eurofighter jets into each other.
Our politicians wouldn’t be uncouth, illiterate, ruffians who’d spend their time running organized crime rackets from their back gardens and spend their time misappropriating public funds ,they’d be educated, articulate gentlemen who'd spend their time running organized crime rackets in their back gardens and spend their time misappropriating public funds!!!!
It wouldn’t have been Jyoti basu who’d have closed down the jute mills and rendered thousands jobless, it’d have been Margaret Thatcher and no political debate, or even normal everyday conversation, come to that, could have begun without a cursory discussion on the weather!

The famous British tradition of understatement would have been the buzzword for the day with the Boxing Day tsunami being described as a bit of a puddle and the Orissa cyclones being referred to as an annoying draught!!

In the proudest traditions of Buckingham Palace, Sir Laloo's residence would have attracted crowds from far and wide to witness the daily ceremony of the changing of the Pehelwans!!!!!

And who wouldn’t like to see Shibu Siren trussed up in a tuxedo to attend parliament!!!
We wouldn’t have traffic jams characterized by boiling tempers and the choicest of Hindi abuses.Oh no , we’d have traffic jams where drivers would sit quietly doing the crossword and occasionally taking time off to comment on, you guessed it, the weather!!!!!!
Price Charles would compete with Mithunda or maybe Rajani for the title of India’s ugliest celebrity and the crowds at cricket matches would be mind bendingly docile while those at football matches would riot at the drop of a hat ..or even maybe a hatpin!!!!!
NO longer would we have cows docilely sitting in the middle of busy thoroughfares, causing the inevitable traffic snarls..Theyd be mad cows and they’d sit restlessly in the middle of busy thoroughfares, occasionally leaving their self proclaimed posts to take pot shots at assorted foolhardy pedestrians or to punch neat round holes in the bodywork of passing cars!!!!
And maybe, just maybe, we’d have picked up the famous restraint the British used to show towards sex and stopped copulating like porn star bunnies on viagra!!!Oh and with a bit of luck their quaintly polite set of manners too!!!We'd have to pay the government to sit in their traffic jams but errant auto drivers and seemingly blind pedestrians would be pulled into shape!
Of course there would have been setbacks. His Toniness would have invited the yanks over to use our country as a base for bombing the Afghans and Rahmania would sell fish and chips, not to mention Baadshah which would be selling boiled vegetables in mint sauce, specially prepared to make any other form of culinary experience seem in comparison, almost heavenly.
Our railway trains would no longer have their destination written on the sides of the carriages, but only on the front of the engine as dictated by Royal Railways custom. this would naturally entail a stampede of humanity heading for the front of each train because lets face it, no one wants to go to Ernakulam when they wanted to be in Nongpoh.Of course there wouldn’t be a stampede, theyd be orderly queues but that’s hardly any consolation, we’d still lbe muddled up and get carted off to Darjeeling in December with a suitcase packed for a nice relaxing trip to Goa!!!

The thing is though that while we may be better off in lot of ways and be inconvenienced in a great many others, all of this pales in the light of the fact that we'd have lost our identity. We’d have become Anglo Indians and not Indians and Tagore would no longer have his songs sung as national anthems, with the efforts of a great many of our revolutionaries going to a shameful waste! All things considered, no matter what the Singaporeans said, id rather live in a muddle that’s patently Indian rather than one that reeks of stiff upper lips!!!!

So, on to the rather unexpected conclusion....Jai Hind!!

For those of you who are curious....I meant this to be a bit unusual and slightly prophetic ,not unpatriotic and I hope u can see it thus too!!!!No I don’t believe in political correctness and refuse to call Black jack, African American Jack! AND I don’t sport a mustache either!!
Thank you Rama for poisoning my young and innocent mind with the seeds of this post...May u be eaten alive by mutant three headed baby goats!!!!

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

If you've got rid of it..criticize it!!!

For 12 long years ive had to study bangla.Its been one long meaningless struggle.Now that i'm rid of it , i can look back on it with memories...extremely unpleasant memories!!!So,to vent my feelings i decided to blog about it...and so i present my review of ISC bangla 2007!!!

Nishkriti(Saratchandra something or the other)-I
have no idea why this book is in the present reads like a Balaji TeleFilms production for God's sake!!!!Whatever else old man Saratchandra was,he was certainly no human. This man is twisted..twisted like a rubberband!!!Only a base and sick mind could get itself to write about petty feuds like the ones in nishkriti.And it takes an even sicker mind to prescribe it to class 12 students..the ISC council seriously needs to revamp itself.....or in a few years time, students might just be forced to watch" Kyunki Kkusum Bhi Kabhi LAdki Thi (Operation ke pehle)"!!!!(And i practice what i preach......i havent read the book past 5 pages)

Stories-well atleast they dont have too many hidden meanings..heres a look at the worst of them:-
I couldnt make head or tail of it..couldnt even figure out which laguage its written in.If any of u tortured yourself into reading it , post a comment....i'm way out of my depth on this one!!!!
Alaler Ghore Dulal-lame story, not at all original..and why the hell are all gurus calls Prashanna?????
Babu-Would be a nice satire if it were written in bangla instead of a lame attempt at blank verse!!
Shabek Manushatta(Haraprasad Shastri)-Well hasnt he lost touch with reality...dont help yourself he others.Dont strive for perfection..stay mediocre with the rest of your mediocre friends.Well Mr Haraprasad we wont...we dont want to end up like you..writing crappy stories for a living and getting criticized on some natty blog!!
Shekaler Shukh Dukkho(Akshaykumar)-The only thing that sets this story apart is that its written by a bollywood actors namesake!!!APart form this, its complete and utter nonsense !! This guy actually thinks that days of yore were better than the mordern period.He even condones public lynching!!!Now call me a yuppie but id rather not live in a day and age where betel juice was considered makeup and a small bird coupled with a comb in ones hair was considered the ultimate status symbol!!!
Bartaman Bharat(Vivekananda) Call me an upstart but i just have to say that the swami is out of his mind !!!He (probably in a state of intoxication) actually pokes fun at Indians of his age for following Western ideals and trying to abolish things like sati and campaighning to give women their due rights!!!Theyre part of our culture he says , and we shouldnt give them up just because the Britishers says theyre wrong!!How it actualy never occurs to him that they are wrong, is anyones guess.Be proud to be backward he says ,for backward is who we are!!!I read this story once...and was overwhelmed by nausea afterwards!!
Bangla Shahitya....Nations succeed because of theirl iterature???Really??I always though that the arts (even non military science) were a byproduct of progress and rich warlords and merchants, not the cause of it!!!

Writing about this has made me feel all nauseous again..ill comment on the poems later if ever!!I realize that the topic is relevant to only a select group of people but the next post will more relevant to the masses on the whole!!!

Sunday, May 6, 2007

The first post......again!!??

Yes..after a long hiatus punctuated by boordom and exams i'm back to blogging!!!Why you may ask..because i want to, i answer.
However my loyal readers (fine i dont have any but it feels nice to write it anyway!!) must wait till 9 th may for my first post. Till then heres something to keep u occupied:-

SMS...from theCPM!

Just a few short months after Amit Sana and gang resorted to Smsing people in an attempt to get them to vote on the rip-off of Indian Idol, an entire different group of people are doing the same thing to popularize their ideas.And they are not contestants on some music show ,neither are the stakes as low as on Idol!
These people are the CPM and the stake is the throne of Bengal.
Let me explain
What the CPM is essentially doing is using clever means to get around the campaighning restrictions on the upcoming elections,which for those of you who dont know,bans the use of mikes and grafiti.
What the have done is brilliant.They are SMSing people with their logo and the words (ei chinhe bhot din) wrapped aroung it .
The psychological aspect is mind -boggling!
All they have to do is send it to a few people and wait for it to spread,which it surely will,even if it is just for the novelty of the whole thing.
One can almost hear the thought of people as they push the appropriate buttons on their cells
The supporters must be thinking"Look how mordern the party has become..i MUST SHOW xyz...he must vote for them!"
The non-supporters must be thinking"Look at what the b****ds are doing now to get their votes...I must warn XYZ!"
However it all boils down to the spreading of the Marxist message,which is exactly what the CPM wants.
So in the 'em or hate 'em....noone but the very poor and mobileless can ignore them! old blog ( is missing from my profile and i cant retreive im stuck with this one)